Speaker 1: 0:00

When I was training to be a therapist, I would often become frustrated because as soon as my client was starting to really get some benefit out of therapy, they would suddenly stop coming. The reasons were varied, but the timing always seemed to be right. After the session, when they recognized they were making positive changes, I would sit in supervision and worry that I was doing something wrong. I would overanalyze and dive deep into the literature to figure out what skill I needed to learn to not be such a terrible therapist. One meeting with my supervisor was pivotal in my understanding of the issue. I distinctly remember the sage advice I received after a five-minute rant where I beat myself up over my abilities as a therapist and my supervisor simply smiled and said your clients are leaving because feeling better doesn't always feel comfortable, so they unconsciously self-sabotage. Well, it turns out there's a name for this self-sabotaging behavior. It's called the upper limit problem and it's basically like having an internal thermostat for success and happiness and when you go past what you subconsciously think you should have, your brain flips a switch and pulls you back down. Welcome to Mental Health Potluck, where everyone brings something to the table. I'm Danny Clark, licensed clinical social worker and family therapist.

Speaker 1: 1:11

This podcast is all about serving a bite-sized mental health insights, practical wellness tips and real conversations that nourish the mind and the soul. Today we're talking about the upper limit problem, what it is, how self-sabotaging behavior shows up in our everyday life and how we can break the cycle. All right, so let's start with the basics. The upper limit problem is an idea from Gary Hendricks who wrote the Big Leap. He explains that we all have an internal comfort zone for success, happiness, love and money Basically, how much good we think we deserve. And when life gets too good, our subconscious mind says hold on, now, this is way too much. We don't do this much happiness. Let's bring it down a notch and guess what? We start self-sabotaging. It's like having a thermostat in your house. If you set it to 72 degrees and the room heats up to 80, the AC kicks on to cool things back down. Your brain sort of does the same thing.

Speaker 1: 2:12

When life gets too good, you start doing things, often without realizing it, to bring yourself back to what feels normal. So let's talk about how this actually plays out, because self-sabotage isn't always obvious. It's not like we wake up one day and say, hey, you know what? I think I'm going to ruin my happiness today. No, it's not. It's not quite like that. It's way sneakier than that.

Speaker 1: 2:39

It's that feeling when things are going really well and then suddenly they're not. Not because of some outside force, but because you started pulling the strings and maybe you don't even realize you're doing it Like have you ever been in a relationship where things are finally stable, actually good, and for some reason you start to nitpick? Suddenly you're picking fights over stuff that doesn't even matter. Why? Because part of you doesn't fully trust that you deserve the level of love and peace that you are getting. Maybe your brain is so used to chaos that when it's not there, you start to create it. Or even at work, let's say you finally get that promotion or big opportunity you've been waiting for and instead of owning it, you start slacking off, procrastinating or missing deadlines, not because you can't do the job, but because some part of you is whispering hey, are you sure you belong here? It's also missing deadlines, not because you can't do the job, but because some part of you is whispering hey, are you sure you belong here? It's also sort of like imposter syndrome. Or maybe even making serious progress in therapy, finally feeling better, and then you just stop going. No real reason. You just kind of let it fade out because being okay feels weird and you've spent years believing you're not okay and look, none of this means you're broken. It just means your brain is trying to bring you back to the version of yourself it's comfortable and knows the version that feels familiar. And the kicker is your brain doesn't actually care if familiar is good or bad, it just cares that it's predictable. But that predictability that's exactly what keeps us stuck. But that predictability, that's exactly what keeps us stuck. So where does this internal thermostat even come from? Because we don't choose to have an upper limit problem. It's something we pick up along the way.

Speaker 1: 4:17

For a lot of people it starts with the messages we got as a kid. Maybe you grew up in a home where people said things like people like us don't get rich or don't get too big for your britches. If you hear that enough, it probably shaped your belief about what's possible for you. Or maybe you learned to stay small because standing out wasn't safe. Some people grow up in families where success is resented, where being too happy or too successful makes other people uncomfortable, and if that's the case, you might have learned to hold yourself back just to avoid rocking the boat. And then there's trauma. If you've ever had something good taken away, if you finally felt happy and then life smacked you in the face, you might have learned that happiness isn't safe, that every good thing comes with a price. And when that belief is buried deep, it's no surprise we pull back.

Speaker 1: 5:06

The second things get too good. So what do you do when you realize you're hitting that upper limit? Because, let's be honest, once you see it, you really can't unsee it, that moment where you catch yourself about to mess things up. It's frustrating, but it's also a huge opportunity. The first thing is to notice it. That's half the battle. When life starts going really well and suddenly you're procrastinating or self-sabotaging, pause for a second, ask yourself am I pulling myself back to my old comfort zones? And here's the weird part Sometimes success itself feels really uncomfortable. If you spent years believing you're the kind of person who struggles, who just gets by, or who's not lucky like other people, then actual success can feel really foreign. It's like putting on someone else's shoes. They just don't quite fit right, but that's the thing. They can fit, and they can fit really well.

Speaker 1: 5:55

The trick is to let yourself sit with the discomfort of things going well, not running from it, not trying to fix a problem that isn't actually there, just letting yourself have good things. Instead of thinking this is too good to be true, try shifting it to this is good and I'm allowed to have it. Imagine this, let's say you often find yourself facing a challenge and you say to yourself I'm going to fail at this or it probably won't turn out as well as I had hoped. Noticing that happens is an opportunity to reset that pattern. Just think how different your life might be by changing what if I fail to what if I did well and got everything I wanted. And that that's how you break the cycle. It's not easy, but it's something worth practicing to break that upper limit and really enjoy your successes All right. So here's the challenge Over the next few days, pay attention to the times when you might be self-sabotaging.

Speaker 1: 6:51

If you notice yourself pulling back when things are going well, pause and ask am I hitting my upper limit? And if the answer is yes, then lean into it and challenge it. Take a deep breath, remind yourself you're allowed to grow and step forward anyways. So that's a wrap for this episode of Mental Health, potluck. I hope this gave you a new perspective on the upper limit and how we self-sabotage. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe, leave a review and share it with somebody who might find it helpful. Thanks for tuning in and until next time, take care and keep moving forward.