Danny: 0:01

Okay, here's a question Do you, or someone you know that is not a therapist, use what we would call therapy speak? They describe or justify their experiences with words like boundaries, gaslighting or trauma, or they speak of themselves in relation to a diagnosis. Well, what if I told you that therapy speak, the same language that helps us heal, might also be the very thing keeping us stuck, that the words we use to explain our pain could also be the words we use to excuse ourselves from growth? Because, let's be real, sometimes we're not setting a boundary, we're dodging an uncomfortable conversation, we're not being cashless. We just don't like being told we're wrong. And not everything we go through is trauma. Sometimes it's just life being hard. And when therapy speak gets distorted, it stops being a tool for growth and becomes a shield we use to dodge responsibility or, worse, to manipulate the people around us. So today we're asking the hard questions Are you or someone you know misusing therapy language to avoid accountability?

Danny: 1:03

Welcome to Mental Health Potluck, where everyone brings something to the table. I'm Danny Clark, licensed clinical social worker and family therapist, and this podcast is all about serving a bite-sized mental health insights, practical wellness tips and real conversations that nourish the mind and soul. Today, we're breaking down the four biggest ways therapy speak gets misused and what that actually means for your mental health. But, more importantly, we're going to talk about how therapy actually works and why real therapy should challenge you, not just comfort you. Because here's the truth growth doesn't happen in an echo chamber of self-validation. It happens when you're challenged, when you're challenged. So therapy speak refers to this use of psychological terms often borrowed from therapy in everyday conversation. These words and phrases, originally intended for clinical settings, have made their way into mainstream culture, often through social media, self-help books and pop psychology. At its best, therapyy Speak can help people express their emotions more clearly, set healthy boundaries and understand their mental health.

Danny: 2:08

Not too long ago, therapy was something you only talked about in private, if you even talked about it at all. But now Therapy Speak is everywhere, and for the most part, that's a good thing. We've normalized the conversations about mental health, we've given people words to describe their experiences and we've encouraged self-awareness. But here's the problem Words without context can be really dangerous. Social media has been a huge driver of this shift.

Danny: 2:33

Mental health advice is everywhere TikTok, instagram, twitter and people are picking up on psychological concepts faster than ever. But the issue is they're often learning just enough to sound informed, without enough depth to actually understand what they're saying. For example, a study analyzing mental health content on TikTok found that nearly 85% of advice was misleading and 15% was actively harmful. What may be even more concerning is that for issues related to personality disorders, depression and anxiety were accurate only half the time. Disorders, depression and anxiety were accurate only half the time, and for information about trauma, nearly 75% of the information reviewed was inaccurate and potentially damaging. That means millions of people are being exposed to inaccurate or outright wrong information.

Danny: 3:21

For therapists like myself, working around misinformation can be rather challenging. I've had clients walk into sessions already convinced that they know what's wrong with them because they saw a 30-second video diagnosing their symptoms, and if I challenge that well, I'm just invalidating their lived experience. This puts therapists in a tough position. Do we spend entire sessions untangling bad psychology provided by TikTok influencers, or do we just nod along and hope for the best? Do we spend entire sessions untangling bad psychology provided by TikTok influencers, or do we just nod along and hope for the best? Now I can't speak for all therapists, but the rise of TherapySpeak and Everyday Conversations has made me more aware of four major distortions on therapy terms.

Danny: 3:55

One of the most common distortions that I see is around boundaries. Boundaries are a necessary part of healthy relationships. They help define what we are and aren't comfortable with and they protect our emotional well-being. But more and more I'm seeing boundaries being used not as a way to maintain personal well-being, but as a way to shut people down and avoid accountability. I'll give you an example. I had a client once tell me that they set a boundary with their friend. When I asked what they meant they said, I told them I wasn't going to talk about my mistakes in the relationship anymore because it was too triggering. That's not a boundary. That's a way to silence someone who's holding you accountable. Boundaries aren't about controlling others. They're about defining your own limits. If you're using them to avoid tough conversations, you're avoiding discomfort.

Danny: 4:52

Another term that's often distorted is when people talk about self-diagnosing trauma. Trauma is real and for those who have experienced it, the impact is profound. Understanding and addressing trauma in therapy is essential for healing, but lately the word trauma is being used so broadly that any difficult emotional experience is sometimes labeled as traumatic. This doesn't mean people aren't struggling. They absolutely are, but there's a difference between facing a painful challenge and experiencing trauma that fundamentally alters one's sense of safety and well-being. When we expand the definition too far, it can unintentionally minimize the experiences of those who have endured serious emotional and physical distress. Acknowledging the difference doesn't mean dismissing pain. It means making sure we respond in ways that truly fits the experience.

Danny: 5:45

A third way that therapy speak has become a bit problematic is with over-pathologizing relationship conflict. There is no limit to the way that relationships can be toxic, abusive or unhealthy, and recognizing these patterns is very important. But somewhere along the way we've started treating all relationship struggles as evidence of dysfunction instead of seeing them as normal parts of human interaction. I see this often A friend might cancel plans and suddenly they're being narcissistic. A partner needs space during an argument and suddenly they're emotionally unavailable. Of course, some behaviors do signal deep relationship issues, but not every disagreement, boundary or misunderstanding is a red flag. Sometimes it's just conflict, and learning to navigate conflict rather than immediately labeling it as toxic is an important part of healthy relationships. And then there's gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where someone makes you doubt your reality, but lately people have been using the term for just about any situation where they feel invalidated. If someone tells you I don't remember saying that, that's not gaslighting, that's a disagreement in memory. If someone offers a different perspective, that's not manipulation.

Rev. Geneece Goertzen: 7:08

That's conversation that continually wears the person down and you kind of feel like you're in this mind fog the whole time because you're not even sure if what you're thinking or saying or doing is reality.

Danny: 7:20

Reverend Geneece Goertzen is an expert on domestic violence and has published research and presented on this topic nationwide.

Rev. Geneece Goertzen: 7:27

I believe that probably also goes into that pattern of things that you see, when something crosses the line from random, occasional behaviors to abusive behavior, we often say it's the pattern of ongoing behaviors that crosses that line into abuse that things do just don't get better, they get worse. And I think that gaslighting is probably the same. It's not just a one-off, it's not a random happening on occasion. It is a continual pattern of making sure that you are small in the relationship. The other person has all power and authority and this confusion, this mind fog, this manipulation, this making you doubt yourself that you don't even really think you are who you thought you were anymore. That's, I think, where it crosses the line. It's ongoing and pervasive.

Danny: 8:24

She recently released the book Taking it Seriously A Faith Leader's Guide to Domestic Violence that focuses on ways clergy can address and respond to domestic violence within their congregations.

Rev. Geneece Goertzen: 8:34

Taking it seriously, is something of a reference guide for people of faith, clergy people, even lay leaders in congregational settings to respond to the issue of domestic violence. What I have found in my research is that most people who either are staffed in church or work with the youth or teach a Sunday school class or lead a small group, they don't have any kind of training on domestic violence, which means if someone comes to them with a disclosure hey, I'm being abused that they don't know how to respond in helpful ways, and so I wrote this book in order to improve that response, so that the church becomes a helpful rather than a hurtful entity.

Danny: 9:17

Janice has also published a helpful tool for people to recognize red flags in relationships called Never Ever After. This book is a relatable way to better identify situations where gaslighting is actually occurring.

Rev. Geneece Goertzen: 9:29

So Never Ever After is kind of written to my younger self. So I was in decades of abusive or domestic violence relationships, so this is something I wish I had had when I were younger. Maybe if someone had taught me to recognize red flags, I would have been safer and not ended up where I did. So in the book, one of the red flags that I discuss is gaslighting, and there are several bullet points with gaslighting, but one of them is questions of sanity or reality, and this is something that happened to me on multiple occasions where he would deny things that he did, and he was so loud and insistent that his way was the right way.

Rev. Geneece Goertzen: 10:12

And this isn't just a matter of difference of opinion. This is a matter of questioning proof that I had that something had happened a certain way, and he would say it had happened another way, and he was willing to make my life miserable in order to get his way. In that situation, I thought I was going crazy for years until I realized what was going on. Gaslighting only works when the victim isn't aware of what's going on right, so that you're being manipulated in this scenario, because years later, if you become alert to the pattern and you realize what gaslighting is. You've gotten some education about domestic violence or manipulative tactics, then you can combat what someone's telling you. You start to realize that what they're saying is a lie, that it's not the truth. You might be able to go get the proof that it's wrong and suddenly realize the gaslighting doesn't work anymore, not in the same way.

Danny: 11:18

Okay, so we've talked about how therapy language has made its way into everyday conversations, sometimes in ways to help, sometimes in ways that keep people stuck. But let's take a step back and ask how did these words actually function in therapy? Because in the therapy room, words like trauma, boundaries, gaslighting and toxic aren't just labels. We use them as tools for understanding, processing and creating change. Take boundaries, for example, outside of therapy, people often use quote-unquote setting a boundary as a way to justify cutting someone off or avoiding discomfort. But in therapy, boundaries aren't about control or shutting people out. They're about communicating needs, setting expectations and maintaining healthy relationships, while staying connected when possible. If a client says I set a boundary, a therapist is likely to ask how did you communicate that boundary? What outcome are you hoping for? Because a true boundary isn't just an action. It's an ongoing conversation, or trauma, a word that, in therapy, has a very specific meaning. We don't use it to describe every difficult moment in someone's life. Instead, we explore whether an experience disrupted a person's sense of safety, shaped their core beliefs or left them in a prolonged state of emotional distress. The goal isn't just to name trauma. It's to help clients process it in a way that allows them to heal, not remain defined by it. And then there's gaslighting, which, in therapy, isn't just about someone making you feel bad. It's a form of psychological manipulation that causes a person to doubt their own reality. A therapist doesn't just take the word at face value. They're going to explore the patterns. Do you feel consistently undermined? A person to doubt their own reality? A therapist doesn't just take the word at face value, they're going to explore the patterns. Do you feel consistently undermined? Are you being manipulated or is there simply a conflict in perspective? Therapy helps people differentiate between unhealthy dynamics and normal relational struggles, because not every disagreement is an attempt to distort someone's reality. So if these words show up in sessions, they're not conversation enders, they're conversation starters. Therapy isn't about applying a label and moving on. It's about going deeper, questioning assumptions and finding a way to move forward, because, at the end of the day, therapy isn't about just understanding our experiences, it's about how we transform them. So what's the solution? Well, therapy language is meant to help us heal and grow, not just give us fancy words to explain why we feel the way we do. So how do we make sure we're actually using these terms in ways that move us forward. Well, first we need to slow down before throwing out therapy buzzwords.

Danny: 13:53

It's easy to say something is trauma or that we set a boundary, but before we do, it's worth taking a second to ask do I actually understand what this means? Am I using it in a way that helps me reflect, or am I just using it because it makes my emotions feel more justified? The language we use matters, and when we reach for these terms too quickly, we risk mislabeling what's happening instead of really understanding it. Another important shift is being willing to ask what's my role in this?

Danny: 14:22

If every story we tell about our lives paints us as either the hero or the victim, there's probably something we're missing. When someone says they've had to set boundaries with everyone in their lives, or that everyone around them is toxic, it's worth pausing and asking what's the common denominator here? This doesn't mean blaming yourself, but real self-awareness requires looking at patterns, not just pointing at problems. So the bottom line is is that the clearer we can be about what we're experiencing, the more we can open the door to real understanding, real support and real change. Well, that's it for today.

Danny: 15:04

I hope this gives you a little more clarity on the words we use in therapy and why they matter. Language shapes how we see ourselves, our relationships and our growth, so let's make sure we're using it to open doors and not close them. A big thank you to Reverend Janice Gertzen and giving us some in-depth knowledge on gaslighting. The links to her books are in the description of this podcast, so be sure to check those out. And thanks for listening. I'm Danny Clark and keep doing the hard work on yourself every day, thank you.