Danny: 0:00

Have you ever watched someone put together IKEA furniture without the instructions? They're holding that little allen wrench like a pro Wood panels are everywhere and you know by watching they're about to install the back panel upside down. And now you're faced with a decision. Do you say something? Do you step in and save them the frustration, or do you sit back and let them learn the hard way? That moment right there, the one where you're deciding whether to rescue or let it ride, that moment reveals a lot about your leadership style. Are you someone who corrects in real time to prevent a mistake or someone who gives space, knowing people sometimes learn best when they screw it up themselves, because whether you're a manager, a parent, a teacher or just a decent human trying to help, how you handle those moments speaks volumes.

Danny: 0:44

Welcome to Mental Health Potluck, where everyone brings something to the table. I'm Danny Clark, licensed clinical social worker and family therapist, and this podcast is all about serving up bite-sized mental health insights, practical wellness tips and real conversations that nourish the mind and soul. Today we're talking about leadership styles, how they're shaped by our childhood experiences, why some leaders focus on control and efficiency and why others create environments where people grow, even if it takes a little longer. So let's dig into these leadership styles, the psychology behind them, and what kind of leader actually creates more capable, confident people. Okay, so let's break this down into two categories One is the fixer and the other is the facilitator. Fixers are the doers, the ones who step in at the first sign of trouble. They're sharp, they're proactive and they usually have good intentions. They say things like let me just do it or hang on, you're about to mess that up. They're focused on getting it right and getting it done fast. But here's the downside In fixing the problem, they often take away the opportunity to learn. They unintentionally take the learning experience away from the person they're trying to help.

Danny: 1:53

People under fixtures might feel micromanaged, anxious or unsure of their own abilities, and over time, that kind of leadership chips away at confidence and initiative. So here's the part that gets sort of confusing. Fixtures aren't controlling, because they don't trust others. They're usually trying to protect someone from embarrassment, from failure or from the fallout, but underneath it all, they're often protecting themselves too, because if someone else is messing up, it feels like their responsibility. Then we have facilitators. Facilitators lead from a different place. They see a mistake forming and they wait, not because they don't care, but because they do. They care enough to let the mistake happen so that the person can grow from it. Facilitators ask thoughtful questions, they promote reflection, they make space for discomfort, because that's where the real learning happens. And while it might take longer, people led by facilitators often walk away with more confidence, more problem-solving skills and a deeper sense of autonomy. So the question is how does one develop into a fixer or a facilitator?

Danny: 3:01

Well, since this is a podcast about mental health, I'm going to tell you Most leadership styles don't just drop out of the sky. They come from somewhere, usually from our childhood or past experiences. As a therapist, I've spent years watching how early environments shape adult behaviors, and leadership is no exception. And no, I'm not blaming your parents. This isn't about pointing fingers. Even great parents can influence how we lead.

Danny: 3:24

Today, for example, parents who deeply love their kids, who are supportive, nurturing and present, can still end up raising kids who struggle with independence or anxiety. Why? Well, because those parents tend to jump in too quickly. They make the call to the teacher rather than helping the child advocate on their own. They rush the forgotten lunch to school rather than let the child figure out how to feed themselves. They smooth out the path before it even gets bumpy. And they rescue again and again. And each rescue, while well-intentioned, delivers an unspoken message that the child can't handle things on their own. That child who is always rescued, who's taught that mistakes are dangerous and someone will always step in to fix them.

Danny: 4:04

They grow up and you know what kind of leader they often become. They become the fixer, the micromanager, the one who jumps in and takes over the moment they see a mistake coming, not because they don't care, but because that's what care looked like to them. They equate leadership with control, with keeping things safe and with avoiding mistakes. But the kid who was given space to try, who was allowed to struggle even when it was uncomfortable, who learned that a mistake wasn't the end of the world, that kid grew up a little bit differently. They became the coach, not the controller. They led with curiosity instead of fear, and they trust people to figure things out, even if it takes a few tries, because to them a mistake isn't a crisis, it's part of a process. But that's not the only way someone might lean towards a fixer leadership style.

Danny: 4:55

Some fixers had the opposite upbringing. Some kids didn't grow up oversupported. They grew up undersupported. Maybe they had to take care of themselves. Maybe the only time someone paid attention to them was when they made a mistake. That kind of environment teaches survival, not curiosity. Those kids become hyper-responsible. They anticipate problems. They learn that if you don't handle everything yourself, no one will. And they carry that into adulthood. As adults they become the person who anticipates every problem, the one who steps in before anyone else ever realizes there is a problem. And they are always scanning, always preparing and always responsible for everyone. Not because they want control, but because no one else ever helped them and failure didn't feel like a lesson, it felt like rejection. So, yeah, fixers can come from being over-supported, but they can also come from being under-supported and only noticed when they were in trouble. And that shapes how you lead, because being the fixer becomes your identity.

Danny: 5:53

Our leadership style is often a reflection of how we were led when we were small. The way adults handled our failures became the blueprint we use with others. And if no one ever let us put the IKEA furniture together wrong, we may never learn how to trust someone else with the instructions. But even if your childhood was great and your parents balanced safety with risk-taking, leading you to a fully functioning, well-adjusted adulthood. You can still develop into a fixer leadership style through your own work history too. If you worked in environments where you were always the one relied on for correcting mistakes or dealing with a crisis, you probably started associating your value with your usefulness your ability to solve, prevent and clean up problems. Over time, this can train you into a fixer leadership style, Not necessarily because that's your nature, but because it's what you've been conditioned to do.

Danny: 6:40

People look to you for answers, not reflection, for speed, not process, so you start leading that way, even if it burns you out or stifles others. This conditioning can also have three negative effects. One is that it can reinforce control. You start thinking if I don't step in, things fall apart. It can also limit your ability to delegate. You might feel guilty or anxious about letting others figure things out, and it blurs self-worth with performance. You might even feel like a good leader is when you're rescuing or fixing a problem. On the other hand, if you were the person who wasn't always asked to fix things, maybe you were encouraged to explore, to mess up and try again. You likely develop more comfort with letting things go. You know firsthand that people can surprise you, even if you give them room. You become the facilitator, not out of passivity but from a deep internal trust in others' growth. So how we were treated as kids can play a huge role in the kind of leaders we become. But it's not just childhood. Some of this runs deeper. These patterns also tie into the way we see the world, how we relate to control, to responsibility and the people around us. So let's zoom out a bit.

Danny: 7:53

There are some solid psychological theories that help explain why we lean fixer or facilitator. The first theory is Theory X and Theory Y by Douglas MacGregor. This one comes from workplace psychology, where it applies everywhere, from boardrooms to backyards. Theory X leaders believe people need to be controlled, corrected and told what to do. They assume people don't like responsibility and will mess up if you don't guide them. So they step in and they manage tightly. Theory Y leaders believe people want to grow, that they're capable, curious and internally motivated. So they give space, they support but they don't smother. So if you're a fixer you might lean more towards Theory X, while if you're a facilitator, you're probably more like a Theory Y leader theory X while if you're a facilitator you're probably more like a theory Y leader. A second theory is the locus of control theory by Julian Rotter from 1950s.

Danny: 8:51

Locus of control is a psychological concept that describes how people explain the outcomes of events in their lives, essentially where people believe that control lives. There are two ends to this spectrum. Internal locus of control is when people believe they are in charge of their outcomes. Success or failure is dependent on their own efforts, choices and actions. An external locus of control is when people believe outcomes are influenced by the things outside of them luck, fate, other people or uncontrollable circumstances. So for fixers, they often operate with an external locus of control. I know it sounds odd because you're thinking well, a fixer wants to control everything, so they would have this desire for more control. But just stay with me.

Danny: 9:30

Fixers tend to believe that other people's outcomes depend on them stepping in. They might think if I don't help, then they'll fail. This comes from a place of Thank you. Fixers may have an internal locus of control for themselves. They take ownership and responsibility for everything, but they view others as having an external locus of control dependent on their own interventions. Facilitators, on the other hand, operate with the belief that people learn and grow best when they're given control of their own choices. They trust you might make a mistake, but that's how you learn. Facilitators promote autonomy and competence. They believe in people's ability to shape their own outcomes, even if that means things get a little messy at first.

Danny: 10:21

A third theory is what's called the self-determination theory by Desi and Ryan. This one's all about what humans need to thrive. According to self-determination theory, people need three things. They need autonomy, which is the ability to make their own choices. They need competence the feeling like they can do hard things. And they need relatedness feeling connected and supported. When leaders are always fixing or taking over, they actually rob people of autonomy and competence, even if they're doing it with all good intentions. Facilitators, though. They give people those things. They might step in after the mistake, but not before it, and that helps people build confidence that lasts.

Danny: 11:04

And finally, there's the experiential learning theory. It's grounded in the idea that we learn best not just from being told, but by doing messing up and reflecting. For example, medical training often includes the concept of watch one do one, teach one. This provides an opportunity to experientially learn all facets of the learning process to develop a skill. It's like touching a hot stove. Once you've done it. You don't need a reminder. Facilitators know this. They see the value in the stumble.

Danny: 11:32

Fixers, on the other hand, they try to keep people from touching the stove at all. But here's the twist If you never touch the stove, you never learn to be careful on your own. So if you're the leader who always takes the reins, who finishes people's sentences, who redoes work to make it right, you're teaching your team to stop trying. They'll wait for you to fix it, they'll play it safe and eventually they'll stop bringing ideas to the table. But if you lead like a facilitator, you build a team that thinks for itself and develop skills to problem solve. They learn from failures and actually grow in skill and confidence. And isn't this the point of leadership To lead for growth, not just for survival, Because one creates confidence and the other creates dependence. But what's great is you get to choose which kind of leader you want to be. So, yeah, these leadership styles aren't just about personality. They're shared by our past, reinforced by our environments and backed by psychology.

Danny: 12:25

And if you found yourself falling into a fixer role, it doesn't mean that you're doing it wrong. It just means you care deeply. But maybe it's time to care differently Now, if you've just listened to this and spiraled into a deep concern that you're leading your team wrong, rest assured, you're probably not. But that doesn't mean you can't do some self-reflecting to see if there are areas to change. And if you come away from all this thinking that you are the most facilitating leader with nothing to improve on, well, you're wrong. You can still benefit from some personal reflection. So here's how you can do this Think about your own story. Who stepped in when you struggled, who didn't, and how did that shape the way you lead today? If you're a fixer, it's probably because you care a lot, and if you're a facilitator, you care a lot too, but you just think about it differently.

Danny: 13:16

So here's the challenge this week Let them mess up the Ikea shelf, let them forget their lunch, let them run that meeting, even if you know how to do it better. Then be there, not to fix it, but to support them and help them reflect on how they've done and what they could have done differently, because leadership isn't about being the smartest person in the room. It's about knowing when to speak up and when to stay quiet. So, whether you're raising kids, managing a team or just navigating relationships, practice leading with a little less control and a little more faith, you never know who's ready to surprise you. Well, that's it for this episode of Mental Health Potluck. I really hope this propels you forward as a leader. If you know someone who could benefit from this information, please pass it along. Thanks for listening. I'm Danny Clark and always be curious, always keep learning and never stop asking questions. Thank you.